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No, your swinger friends don’t want to sleep with you


There is a 0.0 percent chance that one couple in this photo is asking the other couple if they want to have sex. (Image by Mabel Amber, Pixabay)

As a clinical hypnotherapist and alternative relationship coach, people are fascinated to hear about what I do. When I mention sex and relationships, people tend to perk up. I explain that part of what I do is to help people in consensual non-monogamy relationships navigate their newfound lifestyle. Without fail, there is usually a person who will say something to the effect of, “I have friends who are swingers. I’ve known for a while, and now I am just waiting on them to make their move on me.” Well, I will happily be the first person to break it to you…but keep waiting. Here is a list of reasons why your swinger friends aren’t trying to hook up with you:


1. They didn’t tell you this because they are gauging your reaction to see if you are interested in jumping into bed with them. Your friends likely shared this deeply personal thing with you because they love and trust you not to judge them for their unconventional relationship. But, here we are with you judging your friends and doing what they feared most. It isn’t easy for someone to come out to their friends as a swinger, and they considered telling you for a while. If your friend came out to you as gay, would you gasp in disbelief and say, “Oh my god! I could never do that?” No. You wouldn’t because (hopefully) you aren’t homophobic and your friend isn’t asking you to be gay with them. So, when a friend opens up to you about being a swinger, the appropriate response would be, “Thank you for sharing that with me. While I don’t think it is for me, I love you and support your decision.” See how easy that is! It is okay to be supportive or curious, but it is not okay to be judgmental.


2. Don’t flatter yourself. There is a common misconception that swingers are willing to fuck anyone who will join in. In my experience, that is not the case. Like any normal human person, they are looking to have a sexual experience with someone that they are attracted to and someone that they have physical chemistry with. Remember, swingers already have a steady and consistent mate that is meeting their sexual needs. They don’t need to go out and solicit numerous people in hopes of one person saying yes. Think of consensual non-monogamy as dessert, not the main course.


3. They have other ways of meeting people that don’t involve their friend group. There are numerous services that tailor to this exact thing. If your friends are looking to hook up with another couple, they can find it in so many other places than their own backyard. When I am counseling couples who are interested in becoming swingers, I have a list of websites, social groups, clubs, bars, and resorts for them to find like-minded people. This is an entire page of resources, and nowhere on this list does it include “your close friend group.”


4. Last, and most importantly — they don’t want to ruin the friendship. Many people have hooked up with friends and roommates only for things to get really weird, really quick. Having a sexual relationship with a close friend is 99 percent of the time, not a great idea. When you have a sexual relationship with someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship, and this cannot be undone, which is why so many people aren’t willing to risk their friendship for a quick fling.


Because of the taboo surrounding swinging, not many people talk about their lifestyle with friends. Yet, there are more than 4 million people in the swinger lifestyle. This number is likely not accurate, given how secretive people are about their sex life. So, there are likely far more swingers around you than you realize. Unless you have been specifically and explicitly propositioned to have sex with a couple, be a good friend and reserve your judgment.

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